Comparing “The Family Afterward” to the original manuscript for our Basic Text
Comparison Format — Colors appear here only and are — — not used in the actual comparisons. — Words above brackets are from the pre-publication version. < Bracketed copy is from our Basic Text as it reads today. > ~ Format Examples ~Rarely have we < RARELY HAVE WE > seen a person fail who has thoroughly directions followed our < path >...~ ~ ~Now we think you can take it! < — — — — — > Here are the steps we took...~ ~ ~11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our — — — — — — < conscious > contact with God < as we understood Him >...~ ~ ~
Chapter 9 < Chapter 9 > THE FAMILY AFTERWARDOUR WOMEN FOLK < Our women folk > have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means must the opposite. All members of the family < should > meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his "in-laws," each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family's attitude towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. The < We find the > more one member of the family demands that other the < others > concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness. Any < And > why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can , take from the family life < > rather than give? Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from the a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said < > other day < to us >, "Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn will will < may > be footsore and < may > straggle.
123
There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths down which
they may wander and lose their way.
Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a family will
meet; suppose we suggest how they may be avoided – even con-
verted to good use for others. The family of an alcoholic
longs for the return of happiness and security. They remember
when father was romantic, thoughtful and successful. Today's
life is measured against that of other years and, when it
falls short, the family may be unhappy.
Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old
days will soon be back, they think. Sometimes they demand
that dad bring them back instantly! God, they believe, almost
owes this recompense on a long overdue account. But the head
of the house has spent years in pulling down the structures of
business, romance, friendship, health – these things are now
ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck.
Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer
ones, the new structures will take years to complete.
Father knows he is to blame; it may take him many seasons
of hard work to be restored financially, but he shouldn't be
reproached. Perhaps he will never have much money again. But
the wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be,
rather than for what he is trying to get.
Now and then the family will be plagued by spectres from
the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic
,
has been marked by escapades, funny, humiliating, shameful < >
or tragic. The first impulse will be to bury these skeletons
in a dark closet and padlock the door. The family may be
obsessed with
< possessed by > the idea
124
that future happiness can be based only upon forgetfulness of
Such quite
the past. < We think that such > a view is < > self-cen-
life
tered and in direct conflict with the new way of < living >.
Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that
experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is
true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account.
We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and
convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past thus becomes
,
the principal asset of the family < > and frequently it is
< almost > the only one!
This painful past may be of infinite value to other fami-
lies still struggling with their problem. We think each fami-
which
ly which has been relieved owes something to those < who >
have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it
who has found God,
< > should be only too willing to bring
former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their
hiding places. Showing others who suffer how we were
victory,
given < help > is the very thing which makes life seem
so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's
hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the
key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert
death and misery for them.
It is possible to dig up past misdeeds so they become
a blight, a veritable plague. For example, we know of
situations in which the alcoholic or his wife have had love
affairs. In the first flush of spiritual experience they
forgave each other and drew closer together. The miracle of
reconciliation was at hand. Then, under one provocation or
another, the aggrieved one would unearth the old affair and
angrily cast its ashes about. A few of us have had these
growing pains and they
125
hurt a great deal. Husbands and wives have sometimes been
obliged to separate for a time until new perspective, new
, rewon
victory over hurt pride < > could be < re-won >. In most
cases, the alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse,
our rule is
but not always. So < we think > that unless some good and
are
useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences < should >
not < be > discussed.
have
We families of Alcoholics Anonymous < keep > few
secrets all
< skeletons in the closet >. Everyone knows < > about
everyone else
< the others' alcoholic troubles >. This is a condition
.
which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief < ; >
There would
< there might > be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense
of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate
information. Among us, these are rare occurrences.
This paragraph break appears in the manuscript only.
We do talk about each other a great deal < , > but < we >
almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and
We discuss another's shortcomings in the hope
tolerance. < >
that some new idea of helpfulness may come out of the
< >
conversation. The cynic might say we are good because
< >
we have to be.
< >
rule
Another < principle > we observe carefully is that we do
not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we
are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible,
to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize or laugh at
himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or
of him
ridicule < > coming from another often produces the con-
trary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters
carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been
known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive
people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that
serious handicap.
Most
< Many > alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to
extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take,
as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge
into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or
126
he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or
thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems
will arise. With these we have had experience galore.
pointed out the danger he runs
We < think it dangerous > if he rushes headlong
at his economic problem. The family will be affected also,
pleasantly at first, as they feel their money troubles are
< about > to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they find
themselves neglected. Dad may be tired at night and preoccu-
pied by day. He may take small interest in the children and
may show irritation when reproved for his delinquencies. If
not irritable, he may seem dull and boring, not gay and affec-
,
tionate < > as the family would like him to be. Mother may
complain of inattention. They are all disappointed, and
soon
< often > let him feel it. Beginning with such complaints,
a barrier arises. He is straining every nerve to make up for
lost time. He is striving to recover fortune and reputation
thinks
and < feels > he is doing very well.
Mother
< Sometimes mother > and children don't think so. Having
wantonly
been < > neglected and misused in the past, they think
father owes them more than they are getting. They want him to
make a fuss over them. They expect him to give them the nice
times they used to have before he drank < so much >, and to
show his contrition for what they suffered. But dad doesn't
give freely of himself. Resentment grows. He becomes still
less communicative. Sometimes he explodes over a trifle. The
family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out how he is
falling down on his spiritual program.
must be stopped
This sort of thing < can be avoided >. Both father and
wrong
the family are < mistaken >, though each side may have some
justification. It is of little use to argue and only
127
makes the impasse worse. The family must realize that dad,
a sick man
though marvelously improved, is still < convalescing >. They
thank God
should < be thankful > he is sober and able to be of this
world once more. Let them praise his progress. Let them
remember that his drinking wrought all kinds of damage that
may take long to repair. If they sense these things, they
will not take so seriously his periods of crankiness, depres-
sion < , > or apathy, which will disappear when there is
tolerance, love, and spiritual understanding.
The head of the house ought to remember that he is mainly
to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the
account in his lifetime. But he must see the danger of over-
concentration on financial success. Although financial reco-
very is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place
money first. For us, material well-being always followed
spiritual progress; it never preceded.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it
is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to
get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and
love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives
and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must
they are sick folk too, and that
remember < > he did much to
worse
make them < so >.
As each member of a resentful family begins to see his
shortcomings and admits them to the others, he lays a basis
for helpful discussion. These family talks will be construc-
tive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-
,
pity, self-justification < > or resentful criticism. Little
by little, mother and children will see they ask too much,
and father will see he gives too
128
little. Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding
principle.
now
Assume < on the other hand > that father has, at the out-
set, a stirring spiritual experience. Overnight, as it were,
changed
he is a < different > man. He becomes a religious enthusiast.
He is unable to focus on anything else. As soon as his sobri-
ety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family may
look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with
irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters morning,
for
noon and night. He may demand that the family find God < >
themselves
< > in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to
them and say he is above worldly considerations. He < may >
tells
< tell > mother, who has been religious all her life, that she
doesn't know what it's all about, and that she had better get
his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.
When father takes this tack, the family may react un-
favorably. They may be jealous of a God who has stolen dad's
affections. While grateful that he drinks no more, they
do
< may > not like the idea that God has accomplished the mira-
cle where they failed. They often forget father was beyond
do
human aid. They < may > not see why their love and devotion
did not straighten him out. Dad is not so spiritual after
all, they say. If he means to right his past wrongs, why all
this concern for everyone in the world but his family? What
about his talk that God will take care of them? They suspect
father is a bit balmy!
He is not so unbalanced as they might think. Many of us
have experienced dad's elation. We have indulged in spiritual
prospectors belts
intoxication. Like < a > gaunt < prospector, belt > drawn in
our
over < the > last ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at
our release from a lifetime of
129
sees
frustration knew no bounds. Father < feels > he has struck
something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the
new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has
barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends
only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on
giving away the entire product.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is
suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that
his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like
himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family
obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family
will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of
his development, all will be well. In the midst of an under-
standing and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's
spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
The opposite may happen should the family condemn and
criticize. Dad may feel that for years his drinking has
placed him on the wrong side of every argument, but that now
,
he has become a superior person < > with God on his side.
If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a
still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family
as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he
has spiritual justification for so doing.
Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spirit-
assume leadership
ual activities, they should let him < have his head >.
Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irrespon-
sibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far
as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first
days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobri-
ety than anything else. Though
130
some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable,
< we think > dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man
who is placing business or professional success ahead of
spiritual development. He will be less likely to drink again,
and anything is preferable to that.
Those of us who have spent much time in the world of
spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness
of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of
purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power
God
of God in our lives. We have come to believe < He > would
like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that
, nevertheless
our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth < >.
That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where
our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We
have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual
,
experience < > and a life of sane and happy usefulness.
One more suggestion: Whether the family has spiritual
convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles
by which the alcoholic member is trying to live. They can
hardly fail to approve these simple principles, though the
head of the house still fails somewhat in practicing them.
Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent
the self-same
so much as the wife who adopts < a sane spiritual > program,
making a better practical use of it.
still
There will be < > other profound changes in the
household. Liquor incapacitated father for so many years that
mother became head of the house. She met these responsibili-
ties gallantly. By force of circumstances, she was < often >
obliged to treat father as a sick or wayward child. Even when
,
he wanted to assert himself < >
131
he could not, for his drinking placed him constantly in the
wrong. Mother made all the plans and gave the directions.
When sober, father usually obeyed. Thus mother, through no
fault of her own, became accustomed to wearing the family
trousers. Father, coming suddenly to life again, often begins
to assert himself. This means trouble, unless the family
come
watches for these tendencies in each other and < comes > to
a friendly agreement about them.
,
Drinking isolates most homes from the outside world < . >
so the family was used to having father around a great deal.
< >
He
< Father > may have laid aside for years all normal activities
– clubs, civic duties, sports. When he renews interest in
such things, a feeling of jealousy may arise. The family may
feel they hold a mortgage on dad, so big that no equity should
be left for outsiders. Instead of developing new channels of
may
activity for themselves, mother and children < > demand that
he stay home and make up the deficiency.
At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face
,
the fact that each will have to yield here and there < > if
the family is going to play an effective part in the new life.
Father will necessarily spend much time with other alcoholics,
but this activity should be balanced. New acquaintances who
know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtful consi-
deration given their needs. The problems of the community
might engage attention. Though the family has no religious
do well ,
connections, they may < wish > to make contact with < > or
take membership in a religious body.
Alcoholics who have derided religious people will
sometimes
< > be helped by such contacts. Being possessed of
a spiritual experience, the alcoholic will find he has much
in common with these people, though he may
132
differ with them on many matters. If he does not argue
and forget that men find God in many ways
< about religion >, he will make
,
new friends < > and is sure to find new avenues of usefulness
and pleasure. He and his family can be a bright spot in such
congregations. He may bring new hope and new courage to many
a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to minister to
our troubled world. We intend the foregoing as a helpful sug-
gestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is nothing
a group
obligatory about it. As < > non-denominational < people >, we
people's
we cannot make up < others' > minds for them. Each individual
must
< should > consult his own conscience.
We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tra-
gic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst
aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no
joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We abso-
lutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in
cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the
world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking
and
in the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first < aid > and
everything
place < what > we have at his disposal. For his sake, we
do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But
those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and
,
trouble of others < > find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for useful-
ness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into
merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past.
are the victors
But why shouldn't we laugh? We < have recovered >, and have
been given the power to help others.
Everybody knows that those in bad health, and those who
seldom play, do not laugh much. So let
133
each family play together or separately, as much as their
circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy,
released
joyous, and < free >. We cannot subscribe to the belief
that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just
that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own
misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manu-
and when
facture of misery, < but if > trouble comes, cheerfully capi-
talize it is an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does
,
not often recover overnight < > nor do twisted thinking and
depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a
spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restora-
tive. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are
also
miracles of mental health. But we have < > seen remarkable
transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now
shows any mark of dissipation.
But this does not mean that we disregard human health
measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine
doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds.
a
Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such < >
person
< persons >. Most of them give freely of themselves, that
their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remem-
ber that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should
never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services
are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and < in >
following his case afterward.
This next paragraph does not appear in the original.
One of the many doctors who had the opportunity of
reading this book in manuscript form told us that the use
of sweets was often helpful, of course depending upon a
doctor's advice. He though all alcoholics
134
should constantly have chocolate available for its quick
energy value at times of fatigue. He added that occasionally
in the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by
candy. Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and
have found this practice beneficial.
The previous paragraph did not appear in the original.
A word about sex relations. Alcohol is so sexually
stimulating to some men that they have over-indulged.
Couples are occasionally dismayed to find that when drinking
,
is stopped < > the man tends to be impotent. Unless the
reason is understood, there may be an emotional upset. Some
of us had this experience, only to enjoy, in a few months,
a finer intimacy than ever. There should be no hesitancy
this
in consulting a doctor or psychologist if < the > condition
any case
persists. We do not know of < many cases > where this
difficulty lasted long.
The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly
relations with his children. Their young minds were impres-
sionable while he was drinking. Without saying so, they may
cordially hate him for what he has done to them and to their
poor
mother. The < > children are sometimes dominated by a
pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive
and forget. This may hang on for months, long after their
mother has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking.
Father had better be sparing of his correction and
< >
criticism of them while they are in this frame of mind.
< >
He had better not urge his new way of life on them too
< >
soon.
< > In time they will see that he is a new man and in
their own way they will let him know it. When this happens,
,
they can be invited to join in morning meditation < and > then
they can take part in the daily discussion without rancor or
bias. From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvelous
results often follow such a reunion.
135
Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not,
must
the alcoholic member < has to if he would recover >. The
by his changed life a
others must be convinced < of his new status > beyond < the >
He must lead the way.
shadow of a doubt. < > Seeing is belie-
ving to most families who have lived with a drinker.
Here is a case in point: One of our friends is a heavy
smoker and coffee drinker. There was no doubt he overindul-
ged. Seeing this, and meaning to be helpful, his wife commen-
ced to admonish him about it. He admitted he was overdoing
these things, but frankly said that he was not ready to stop.
feel
His wife is one of those persons who really < feels > there
is something rather sinful about these commodities, so she
nagged, and her intolerance finally threw him into a fit of
anger. He got drunk.
Of course our friend was wrong – dead wrong. He had to
painfully admit that and mend his spiritual fences. Though
he is now a most effective member of Alcoholics Anonymous,
cigarettes
he still smokes < > and drinks coffee, but neither
his wife nor anyone else stands in judgment. She sees she
was wrong to make a burning issue out of such a matter when
his more serious ailments were being rapidly cured.
First things first! two
< > We have < three > little mottoes
"LIVE AND LET LIVE"
which are apropos. Here they are: < >
and "EASY DOES IT".
< >
< First Things First >
< Live and Let Live >
< Easy Does It. >
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